A little bored now. Am blogging a lot recently. Thinking that I have so many blog posts, nobody would want to read so many rubbish by me. Really want to relate my experience at school today. With much beauty and detail. See the irony later.
Was a rather bright morning today. Sky is shrouded partly in cotton-wool clouds that seem so fluffy from the top of the school corridor. The Sun's rays still licked the land even with the cloudy atmosphere. Was walking up the seemingly endless stairs. Has been a routine since I've entered Form 4. Now in Form 5, it hadn't made much difference. Not much, really. I made my way to class. Not very interested in entering the class. Was wishing that I'd stayed at home. The sleep last night wasn't really satisfying. Who wouldn't want to continue to be in land of dreams? Where all things seem so real and possible? Upon entering the class, was really shocked to see the class void of chairs. Only a few wooden chairs, that seem uncomfortable to most students, along with some handicapped chairs, as if trying to stand with perfect balance. Well, my chair was stolen from my cosy little corner in class. Along with my table. What a welcoming thing to see right early in the morning. Well, it's not much of a use to stand there and curse and throw insults. It's like a baby spilling his milk, crying, and in this case, also saying foul words in the language of babies. Got myself a table in a jiffy. Thank God that tables were abundant in my class. They are literally everywhere. But the monotonous brown colour of the tables were a tad bore to me. As for the chair, I had to traverse to the next block, which seem a continent away from me, to get a damned chair. Brown coloured plastic chair to match with the brown table? A bad choice, but the weren't other colours to choose from. Towed the chair back to class, like a farmer pulls his silly cow across the field.
Back in class. Usual activities go on as always. Only this time, the teachers were all so busy with God-knows-what that they forgotten to enter class. Must be having a relaxing time in the staff room I guess. I don't know, and I don't want to know. Ignorance is bliss. Glided in and around the class to find a perfect spot to land and chatter. The class was in a noisy havoc. Loud sounds churned together with laughters, screams and pitter-pattering of speeches that seem endless, like rainwater falling on the gorund. It was a haven of noise. Having failed to find a suitable group to chat with, I continued reading the novel that I started reading a few days ago. The novel seemed to have a grip on me. It's nice! Well, read the novel for an hour or so.
An hour passed by. I was obliged, or rather it was a responsibilty, to finish the Biology PEKA that teacher has given us a long time ago. The instruction fell on deaf ears. Until now, nobody has submitted the report. Got all my stationery, papers necessary for drawing and went to an empty table that was in front of the white board. A nice place to sit, to isolate myself from the noisy havoc. Again, there wasn't a chair. How funny. I told teacher that I'm going to get chairs. Got chairs. 2 in fact. Hoping that I don't have to go back for more. Placed those "hardly-earned" chairs at my sitting place. Oh, how relaxed was I. There was a paper that seemed like the paperwork that I had to pass to teacher regarding the school Canteen Day. Went to teacher and abandoned my seat for a while. In my heart, was thinking what would teacher think of the plans I'd plan or suggested for the Canteen Day. It was a Haunted House programme, by the way. Hoping to scare to poop out of the people. Teacher was rather satisfied and hoped that it'll turn out well. I too, hoped for the best. Upon reaching my place, I found out that not one, but both chairs that I've just brought in just a couple of minutes ago, went missing. BOTH. I mean BOTH. Who in the mother-of-Earth would be so freakingly lazy to get their own chairs that they have to mug mine? I hope they break their wrists soon. Nobody would want to admit if I asked, either. They'd make some poker-faced expressions and with their smirky face, tell me that they have not taken my chair. Rather than sulking, I went to get another 2 more freaking chairs. This time, I was already very pissed. PISSED. Who on mother-of-Earth would go for three rounds of chair carrying and towing? WHO? When I brought back the chairs to class, I sighed, and layed by tired bum on the chair. Someone came to me asking whether if he could get a chair from me. Said that he hasn't got any chair for his friend that was standing. In my heart, I was saying to myself.
"Have you not realised that I've gone for three rounds of chair find-collect-bring back spree. It's not being selfish or anything. But why can't YOU get a chair for yourself? You are always caring for your "good friends". But at what expense? Taking my chair? Get your own one. When I was standing, you didn't even want to offer any help at getting a chair for me. And now you want mine? If you think you're so almighty and full of masculinity, do it at your own capability and expense. Don't expect me to do it for you."
To me, I no longer had any feelings of care and emotion for that person. Being bias is not my cup of tea, especially when it comes to friendships. Whatever. I sat there, very tensed. So tensed that even a single stimulation can trigger of a massive reaction. I tried to calm down. Sitting there, alone. Suddenly, felt a heavy pressure on my heart. Not heart attack. Just heartache. Was thinking what are all of my friends were thinking of me. Am I a bore? Outdated freak? Lame to the maximum. I don't get included in conversations. Even if I do, I'd just be sitting there, listening intently. Nothing much but like a silenced human being, throat frozen and incapable of speech. Suddenly, I realised.
I turned around. Looking at those sly and cunning faces. People want me because I can help. They don't want me because I'm not "cool" enough. Not in trend. I don't play games they play. I don't enjoy things they enjoy. I kept quiet. Those people I know. Their hearts, from being kind, warm, friendly, full of compassion, turned and contorted into something so ugly, disgusting, cunning, sly and ever-wanting to hurt feelings of entitites close to them. Such is the nature of my friends. Looked into their faces. Observed their behaviours. Every single thing they to do gain attention, is always lined with a putrid stench of hypocrisy. Most of them depend much on their physical appearances to garner attention. I do believe physical appearance is important, but I'm not OBSESSED as they are. "Oh, I have nice body shape", "I use this-and-that facial stuff". Obsession. That lead them to mix with ones who are vanity-obsessed. As for me, I'm not one of the. I was ignored, then. Others, there were also people who are desperate to fall deeply and madly in the circle of love. Love is in fact beautiful, but in certain circumstances, love can bring out the ugliest side of people, the beastly side of people. They are willing to crush feelings of other people just to "please" ones they THINK they love. Love in high school is a chain, binding you to many responsibilties, stealing away precious time with friends, incapable of certain emotions, except to love, love and love alone. Then there are others who think they are a class above the others. Placed in a higher position in the class hierarchy. Let me tell you, with me around, your downfall is near. YOU are coming to an end. Perfect ultimatum.
Still, with the feeling of a heavy heart, I sobbed. (OK, I cried, under my breath, unknown to others). But am thankful that God is always there for me. I felt his presence there. He was there. I just know it, don't ask why. In this situation, it's blind-faith. But I still trust Him. The world is indeed a cruel and disgusting place. Full of actors and actresses, so good that Oscars cannot even nominate a suitable nominee. Hypocrites, backstabbers, freeloaders, want-your-help-come-find-you-but-dump-you-later people and all. But am happy that in another 6 more months, all these ordeals are finally over. I can leave that sh*t hole forever. No more seeing "them". And I'm never going to miss them. They don't even deserve on bit of space in my cerebrum. Don't even deserve one bit of my care and thought. Want a "piss" of me? Take it then. Go far away after that. Far away. Far far away. And don't make youself visible in front of me anymore.
Thanks Sim for cheering me up, when all the hypocrites are having their good time.
=Wings=
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