Friday, 21 February 2014

Not good enough.

Okay, so today's post will feature a more vulnerable part of me, as opposed to the usual ultra-diva-bow-before-the-queen attitude of mine. This part of me rarely manifests itself, even if the whole world turns against me.

Who would know that I can be so vulnerable to something seemingly insignificant. So simple. Alas, it's because of this reason that I am on an emotional roller-coaster. Nah, not having a great big PMS. I could just take hormone injections if I had PMS. If I HAD. Well, I guess even the toughest of guys and girls get all emotional when it comes to (yes, wait for it, give me a drum roll...!) someone they actually have a crush on. Oh yes, I do have a crush. No, wait, more than one. But most of my crushes, whether current or in the past (future?) are impossible to fall in love with, probably because they're taken. Aishwarya Rai is hot. So is Angie Jolie. Erm, Kellan Lutz is gorgeous. So is Ian Somerhalder. Imaginary crushes aside, I do have a certain crush on probably 5-6 persons now. Sounds terrible. Sounds like I'm some cheapo looking for stuffs to buy at a warehouse that sells imitation goods. Urgh. Well, deep down, I just want to fall in love. Find someone who can accept me as who I am. Simple as that. Every time I chat these certain people up, any hints showing their acceptance of me, I would immediately misinterpret that as showing mutual liking for each other. I guess that's not the case. When they grow cold, get bored of me or finally found someone they are totally into, I feel that I'm not good enough. Not perfect enough. Not handsome enough. Not buff enough. Just all the not-enoughs. When people hate me, I don't feel so. But when they do this to me, I feel the pinch. Is it just me? It does feel stupid of me to have emotions like this. I'm already in my 20s and this still happens. Looks like I will never escape adolescence, ever.

I guess you people who I consider my crushes will never read this, but if you do, I do like you, I want to know you more and probably, if we hit all the right buttons, let's start a relationship. Just you and me.

Feeling a little empty inside.

Thursday, 20 February 2014

Week One down!

Okay, so week one of my fourth semester is done. This semester seems to be a little different from the other semesters. It does feel a little stressful, especially when the lecturers expect you to keep up to their standards. The first day entering each different class, the lecturers let me know all the requirements for the classes. I do feel extremely stressed. It's barely even week two. To think that I have to write reports for another 13 weeks just terrifies me. I guess this is just another challenge I have to beat!

With all the negativity aside, this semester feels a little refreshing. Taking a foreign language course currently, Korean to be exact. No, I'm no K-pop fan. I just feel that, "Hey, this may come in handy one day!". On top of that, it's the only elective course that can fit nicely into my very-packed timetable. Oh, there's homework on the first week already! Bloody hardworking lecturer. Same goes for the chemical spectroscopy lecturer. She has had all our work planned out nicely, even though she will be away for a course outside of university.

Some lecturers are so on the rush, they've completed teaching one chapter this week. Yes. Crazy. I'm having a cold sweat thinking if I can keep up with this. Tough. Really tough. Apart from this, money is another thing to be really concerned of. During the previous semester, RM50 was just enough for me to spend comfortably with A LITTLE to save at the end of the week. This semester, RM50 isn't enough. In fact, I had to take some money out of my piggy bank/ backup money to ensure that my tummy is filled. Of course, I don't get to save any money at all. I guess I won't be going on any trips in the near future if the situation continues to be this bad. Thanks to our smart authorities, everything is on the rise (including crime, HAHA!). Except anyone's payroll (politicians aside).

So, to end this post, I would like to say something random. I WANT A G-SHOCK WATCH.

Okbai, for now!

Saturday, 15 February 2014

Probably my last post that is long enough that you have to blink quite a number of times to finish reading it.

No, I'm not retiring from nagging and writing long posts to tell you how awful the world can be, or how life is interesting if you see it in a different perspective. It's just that I'm now thrown back into reality. In two days time, my 4th semester will start and as an undergrad, the tension just gets higher and higher. Exponentially. By the time I reach my final year, I do hope I still have my hair. Don't want to be losing hair from the oh-so-stressful-and-I-should-be-beginning-to-think-of final year project. The titles are quite broad and diverse, but it still scares me, nonetheless. Thankful that I did well in my 3rd semester and hopefully, I can repeat the same feat.

Today, we (as in my family) celebrated my Mum's birthday. Coming from a tough family background, my Mum rose above the challenges to become someone that everyone can look up to in life. My Mum is my first love in life and definitely, will always be. Love you lots Mummy!
Made my Mum an origami crane. There are two cranes, a small one and a large one, conjoined at the wings. :)

 Earlier in the morning, I rushed back to my hostel to collect the keys to my hostel room. The thought that the new semester is going to start in 2 days, or rather, in around 25 hours, just terrifies me. Well, I love my university, but then the people living in it makes it hell sometimes. The hostel is so clean and conducive with no one around. The toilets are clean, with no empty bottles strewn around the floor. The corridors are empty, no shoes or slippers all about the corridor. And the dustbins are as clean as they can be, not overflowing like ugly goo spewing over from a beaker. I want an empty hostel! Quite sadly too, this is the last semester my roomate will be in UPM. He'll be finishing his Masters degree in economics and may want to pursue his PhD in UKM on a part-time basis. Hopefully, in the 5th semester, I will get an awesome roomate. HOPEFULLY. But for now, I just need to do well in the following semester. Dying to skip Masters in Science and do a direct PhD in a chemistry-related field.
Everything looks so unbelievably ordered and clean, it's as if entropy is still in a less disordered form!
Lately, I've been trying to approach people, first looking for friendship, then probably a relationship. It feels like I've failed myself again and again, miserably. Not pretty sure it's because of my looks, or because I don't have a hot body. Hrmm, probably it's because I'm not rich? Popularity? No, I don't think I have it. It probably means that I just have to take a rest from all these things. Just be alone. The start of the new semester is just the right motivation for me to cut all ties with those who don't find anything special in me. Love, isn't blind. Love, is too choosy, really!


Friday, 14 February 2014

I've finally got myself a date!

Now that I've got your attention, I can finally say what I actually intended to say. MWAHAHAHAHAHA. Well, it's a hoax. No, I'm still single and probably will stay like that for another 930732982140137497092793217491 years. Nevertheless, it's a good day today, being single, despite today being Valentines' and also Chap Goh Mei, what the Chinese would consider a "match-making" day. Yes, ladies write their names and personal contacts on oranges and throw them into a (preferably) a stagnant body of water such as a lake, and guys would go and fish them oranges out and then contact the girl. Well, you may think this is some kind of "lucky draw" and does exhibit some form of gambling. Quite safe to assume so. *giggles!* Alas, it's the relationship that matters, a little gamble doesn't hurt. Unless the government thinks of it as a threat to society, though.

Okay that was long enough a distraction. Back to the reason I'm so happy today...  I've finally scored a 4-flat for my examination in university! It has been three semesters that I've been there for my undergrad studies and the first two semesters, I scored only first-class honours. It may look good to many but being the high achiever I am, anything less than perfect is, well, imperfect. On the third semester, thankfully, after all that hard work (and anxiety) paid off. Satisfied! I remember the few weeks of physical chemistry assignments regarding Hittorf's method for determining ion transport numbers. Was enough to make me lose my mind.


Reaching this paragraph of this post reminds me of a song by Nelly Furtado, Good Things Come to An End. In a few days time, the new semester starts, with even greater challenges. Of course, I am afraid. It gets tougher by the semesters. But one thing for sure, God is there. And I have those special few I can fall back on when I am weak. Love them lots.

Hopefully I will be attached sooner, or later. Happy V-day to all couples and even singles out there!

Thursday, 13 February 2014

Kindergarten days.

So I was taking a jog around my neighbourhood and I saw a little boy, around the age of 5, flashing his set of pearly white teeth while waving at me, as if it's his first time seeing anyone jog around the nieghbourhood. Nevertheless, it got me smiling. For an instant, I felt like I wanted to become a child again. Free from the cares of the world, responsibilities and many other petty things.

With that being said, I want to share my many small pictures I have when I was in kindergarten. Most of it will revolve around my relationship with my Grandma, because she had been a large part of my life, especially during my childhood days. She, being a native of China, speaks no other language but her own dialect (not even Mandarin) but has come to pick up languages in Malaysia by listening (she doesn't speak but she can understand). Having been brought to a better place around 2 years ago, I can't help it but miss the moments I spent with her as a child.

1. I dislike eating red bean soup and fried beehoon (rice vermicelli).

When I was a young, innocent (still am) boy, my Grandma (whom I fondly call Ma Ma) loves to cook the two types of dishes together. Yes, one cannot exist without the other. Ma Ma cooks this as frequent as we breathe. Okay, well not that often, but sometimes twice to three times a week. Usually, if I have the dishes for lunch, it's high chance that I will be having it again for dinner or probably tea time. What makes it much worse is that sometimes the aunty that cooks meals for us in kindergarten, happens to cook the same dishes on that very day I will have red bean soup and beehoon at my Ma Ma's place. Yes, malnutrition is bad, but having to eat the same dishes three times a day sure can terrify a kid, too. But my Ma Ma loves me, it's just that she doesn't cook much fancy dishes. Back in China, you have to make do with what you have and whatever they have, isn't much to work with. You can't make awesome abalone soup when the only thing you have is vegetables, right?

2. When I hold a pencil (crayon, oil pastels, etc) and a paper, there's no stopping me!
Kids in my days don't really wield the power of the finger to swipe or tap a handheld device. Only the wealthy get to hold a Nintendo. Armed with only raw imagination, I always drew on papers what I felt. I drew things that were beyond imagination. I expressed many things in my art. I knew I wasn't the best at it, but drawing helped me express my thoughts as a child. I loved drawing Ultraman (he was my childhood hero back then, along with Doraemon and Crayon Shin Chan) and cars back then. I could still remember pestering anyone who could hold a pencil properly to draw me cars. Just cars. A simple look at pencil-drawn cars brings joy to me. Dad was always the victim of my enthusiasm with these drawings of car. Haha, those were the days of me going crazy of cars. Oh did I mention, I had taste, even since I was a young kid. I hated crayons and I loved oil pastels. (Crayons are hard and never fills up all the white spaces on an uneven piece of white paper. Those who have used crayons and pastels will understand me.) And as a kid, I always preferred using a CLEAR piece of A4 sheet, rather than foolscap paper with lines or A4 paper with company logos printed all over them. I felt that these were an obstruction to my free flow of drawing. Ah, taste is acquired. I happen to keep some of these "taste" as I was growing, probably up until now. :)

3. I happen to have very sharp memories of my surroundings as a kid.
There are many memories I have that are as vivid and clear as the day it happened. Many actually. Like:
(i) I remember that Mum bought my sister and I a rubber ball each. My sister had a red one and I had a blue one. The rubber ball had a picture of Garfield (yes, that fat orange cat) in it and is glittery. One fine day on the bus, I was admiring this new treasure that Mum has bought for me. I really felt proud and happy to have it. Unfortunately for me, the ball slipped out of my hand, and as bouncy as it is, it slowly bounced it's way down and out of the bus, never to be seen again. I don't remember crying but I felt really sad after that. It was fairly new, less than a week with me. And it was just gone, just like that. It was really traumatising as a kid, having lost something that he just found to love. Probably the reason why I get so sensitive and emotional now when small things happen to me.

(ii) I asked my Ma Ma to buy me Ultraman stickers from a WET MARKET! Back then, my Dad used to ferry my Ma Ma to the Old Klang Road (Jalan Klang Lama) Wet Market to do her weekly grocery shopping. Just a few weeks before that, Mum bought an Ultraman sticker sheet for me to add into my sticker book (YEA! Sticker collecting was a fad back then). I loved how the glossy stickers shone in when exposed to light at different angles. So, with this love for Ultraman, I asked  if Ma Ma could get me Ultraman stickers if they found them in the wet market, she said OK. At that time, I was a little doubtful. How did Ma MA know what Ultraman is even without asking me what it looks like? Probably she knew. But obviously, wet markets don't sell Ultraman stickers. I guess that was just another Saturday weekend at the market with my Dad and Ma Ma.

(iii) On the first day at my kindergarten (Kuen Cheng Kindergarten, it's still there!) I made a teacher roll down the stairs. No, it wasn't on purpose. In fact, I rolled down with her. It's the first day and every single kid must be excited and somewhat afraid to be separated from their parents. I was this overenthusiastic kid running up the stairs, not seeing what as ahead of me (I guess this is how "leap before you think" is practised) and BOOM! I knocked into another teacher and both of us went rolling down. If I don't not recall wrongly, we were going up the stairs from the back of the building. I'm pretty sure she wore a light-blue coloured dress and was a little plump, not fat, just plump. (The kind of plump that makes you smile when you see them). When both of us were finally at the bottom of the flight of stairs, we were both weeping. So much fun for the first day!

(iv) Once, I brought a very large toy car to school. A large, plastic toy car of a Mercedez Benz (don't know what model, but I can recognize it when I see it) which was glossy green in colour and had rims of a Proton Wira. Yes, the older Proton Wira. It made whirring noises when it's pushed and it was really cool! Being a fan of cars, and as a kid, this was as close to a sports car as any toy can be! Oh yes, so I brought it to school and there's this annoying fat boy (which I didn't really like) kept telling the teacher that I brought toys to school. Annoying much. Pfffft.

(v) Mum bought me my first Hot Wheels set which made me really happy. It was a toll plaza set and it came with a yellow Ferrari Testarossa. You can imagine me playing with that toy set for hours and hours on end with it, along with my other toy cars. I loved matchbox toy cars and Mum and Dad will surprise me with one every now and then. When I was allowed to buy one, I would always ask Dad, "Pa, which car faster? A or B?" and I will always end up choosing the one I liked, regardless of whether it was the faster one or not. Fickle-minded child I was. And sometimes, still am.

(vi) Mum always bought Happy Meals for us in sets of two. One set for me and one for my sister. Despite having a love hate relationship with my sister when we were younger (not the "I wanna' kill you hate", but the "I'm big bro, you listen to me" kind of hate), we were always the bestest of buddies. I think I was the cuter one of us both. I remember Mum once bought a set of two tiny tiger plush toys and my sister's tiger was labelled with a red mark and mine with a blue mark. She did the same for the lion, that came next in the series, too. Sometimes, Mattel would collaborate and I would have a Hot Wheels car and my sis would have a Barbie accessory. I still have Happy Meals once in a while to relive those moments as a child. It's magical.

I really missed being a child. Being simple. Free from all the annoyance of growing up. Being a child, you know you will be protected by your parents, no matter what. Growing up seems terrible to me, but I know I will rock the world. How was your childhood, care to share?

Tuesday, 11 February 2014

Mosquito attack!


*PIAK!, followed by another stretch of silence*


Sudden exclamation: YES!

Okay, so that was quite the scenario the past few days when I went in the toilet to take my bath. This evening, was the worst of the past few days. I hit a record of 18 mosquitoes in the shower. Never have I hit that many mosquitoes in the toilet (or, never in my life I've hit so many mosquitoes in a day). The weather has been very humid and hot since the end of the first week of Chinese New Year. In fact, it is bordering on "driving people mad" and "PLEASE KILL ME NOW". No joke. Just two days ago, I woke up in the dead of night (yeah, 4.30 a.m is a right time for the dead to go around taking over the living) because it was so warm, too warm for me to even sleep comfortably. The moment I woke up, I was drenched (not literally) in sweat. I could water a whole orchard of jackfruit tree with that amount of water. I've been taking steps to overcome this atrocity and hopefully this evil the weather has been breeding will come to an end.

Did I mention that I am finally convinced that mosquitoes are actually demons in the guise of harmless looking insects. If you observe real closely, they resemble demons more, if compared to insects. Terrified now? Go say your prayers! See, these little monsters are winged, which gives them high mobility and agility to spread evil. Realise how you get so angry after a mosquito bite? YES! EVIL! Still not convinced? They have six legs! Ugly, right? Demons are ugly (but some believe they have shape-shifting abilities, but mosquitoes probably lack the mana or the skill to master shape-shifting). Well, this is the one that will finally blow you off your seats: MOSQUITOES SUCK BLOOD! Most demonic ritual require blood sacrifice. AND THEY TAKE BLOOD FROM YOU! See, demons! Tiny ones! RAWR!

Take care people!

Sunday, 9 February 2014


Okay! So here's the thing. You can never judge a person if you don't know that person pretty well. So here's the thing, I will introduce a part of me here so you'll know me a little better. If you're here reading this, it's quite a good sign knowing that you show a little interest in knowing me. It may sound that I am a little full of myself, but hey! it's my blog. But thanks for reading though! ;)

n Things to Know About Me, where n is an element of Z (integer):

1. I like all the strangest things.
While people enjoy the mainstream things, I prefer all the things that people are not really into. Pop songs on the radio, latest mainstream fashion and the likes of that. Not my cup of tea. In fact, seeing mainstream annoys me. What do I enjoy? Sitting down feeling the breeze while enjoying a hot cup of tea. Origami. Designing the things I would wear instead of getting them from the store. Chameleons (instead of rearing dogs, cats, hamsters, etc), bright colours, reading real-life biographies instead of fiction, science (specifically, chemistry), visual and performing arts, small group gatherings instead of large gatherings (heck, you wouldn't even know half the crowd). So yes, I don't enjoy most things that people my age would.

2. I don't care what you think about me.
When I was younger, I used to think that we are what people tell us to be. If you are stupid, it's because what people make you think you are. If you're hot, that's because society tells you're hot. I used to to things to impress those around me. Trying to be accepted. As a teen, that's inevitable. We all try to be accepted. Slowly, (until the end of Form 5) I realised that that's not the case. I found larger potential in myself. So, I dumped that whole mentality and adopted a new persona. A better one. Yes, I don't care if you tell me I dress weird. I look strange (like something out of Alice in the Wonderland). I behave like an E.T dressed in human suit. It no longer bothers me. As long as I feel fabulous in my skin, you can even split the world in half, I still would not be fazed by anything you'll say to me, because we are what we say to ourselves. When you give society one step in defining you, they will take two steps. Yes, I shaved part of my brows because I liked it. I felt having normals brows was mainstream. Before you want to make any comments, think first. Because I wouldn't give two hoots in firing you down.

3. I'm caring, despite being aggressive and loud.
Okay, so it may look like a contradiction. How can anyone be so aggressive and yet caring. Not to forget he's in his own world (some of you may start to feel like I'm some Mr. Living-in-his-bubble). I'm caring. I just don't say lots of things. Things like "Love you" only come when I mean it. Unfortunately, some people think I'm joking and that talk is cheap. I guess I should cut down on sweet talk because people no longer enjoy compliments. Humans are so demanding that. Someday in the future, you marry your fists for blowjobs, because you can't find anyone that matches your taste. It may sound rude, but the fact stays. People nowadays want the best. Aren't you forgetting something, we're all imperfect. So yes, I'm caring, but don't expect a lot from me if you play bitch. Anything along that line deserves to be shot in the gut with a shotgun.

4. Working with me can be stressful.
I don't like taking up leadership posts because I'm somewhat a perfectionist. I've been a top students since primary school and I guess part of that has moulded me into a "kiasu". It's beneficial to my work and studies (but healthwise, not always). Anything less than my expectations is trash. Simple. I don't take up and posts unless necessary or if I'm forced to. Expect verbal abuse if you don't meet my standards after being told, advised and guided countless times.

5. I don't talk with people unless I like them.
Making new friends is not a problem to me. But to be close to me, you have to be on the same wavelength as I am. It's natural right? I don't have many friends because most of them aren't on the same page as I am. Thankfully, there are those who know me and accept me for who I am and I have got the feeling we'll stay that way 'til death do us part. Those who aren't, most of them are gone. No, I don't intend to contact them anymore. I'm not cocky. It's just strange chatting with someone who has no common interest as you do. The only thing that we'll even chat about revolves around AWKWARD. Geddit?

Another thing is, if I personally chat a person up, it's not like I have a personal agenda. I'm not that kind of a**hole. But if that person plays hard to get (tells me he/she has something to do EVERY SINGLE TIME), sorry-lah bro/ sis. Not my type. Some don't even to say goodbye, just disappearing like that. DIDN'T MAMA TELL YOU THAT NOT GREETING PEOPLE IS RUDE?

6. I don't let those who offend me go easily.
Honestly, I'm not a forgiving person. I'm easily offended. A simple sorry doesn't mean I will forgive you. If I do forgive, I won't forget. My emotions have been played on before, so this is a defensive mechanism. Live with that. Luckily, if I really forgive you, SINCERELY, I would have forgotten what you've done to me. Literally. I won't remember at all until you remind me. I don't beat people up for clarification.

7. I love toys.
I'm a boy. Boys don't outgrow their love for toys. So, if you see me with toys, shut up. Play with your phone or fondle you handbag. Leave me alone.

8. I absolutely am fond of sweet stuffs.
This applies widely to chocolates. Love having Chinese desserts such as gingko with barley, black glutinous rice paste, lychee with white fungus and a whole list of desserts.

Terrified of me now? Good.


Okay, just today, I was trying to be nice to an online friend. Well, you know, being nice, started to chat and started to initiate conversations. Well, then this fella' started playing hard to get, as if I was all interested. Well, interested to be friends, but this fella' thinks that the whole world wanna' know this person. After a few replies, this fella' told me to stop bugging him, because I wasn't "interesting" enough, I guess. Well, people nowadays love to look at the outside. People love to be superficial. Yes, read that sentence again. People LOVE to be superficial. Honestly, being superficial is indeed necessary for people to work hard and achieve a better status. Quite sadly, some of the people I know have their life centralised over material wealth and good. In terms of relationship, they only want to know good-looking, rich and influential people. Most ironically, they aren't really that "hot" in their own rights. In fact, these people are, to my opinion, insecure, hollow, pathetic and have no stand in whatever they do. I believe they let society dictate who they should become, what they are and where they stand in the social stratum. So, it's inevitable that I have to adopt an "I don't really care you know" attitude. If anyone like this happens to come by in my life, I'd just let it go. It's not strange. In fact, so many of these type of people have come and go in my life. Another few more won't destroy me. These situations may hurt some people (because they feel rejected), but to me, people should feel strengthened from the rejection faced. If you've ever felt rejected in life, don't be down. People are superficial and you can't do much about it. On the contrary, you can choose how to live your life. You can choose to not let these fools destroy you. You are beautiful! :)

Friday, 7 February 2014


So lately, I've been socialising on, well, social media quite a lot, exploring people around me. Thankfully, I haven't come across and psychos (yet) and I do plan to keep it that way.

On these "socialising trips", I do realise that some people are indeed strange and somewhat peculiar in their thinking. It sometimes baffles me.

People who claim to be simple.
Nolah, I'm simple. I don't like this to be like this, No that is too difficult, You're too long-winded, and a lot more other perplexing thoughts of theirs come flowing out when you really get to know them. It contradicts with who they claim to be.

Some other type of people are those that expect a Mr. and Mrs. Perfect, but don't really see their flaws. Anyone short of being "perfect", they'll be able to nail down every single "flaw" and give you the big "get-lost-you-are-not-perfect" punch in the face. Thing is, they are not really perfect themselves. It really does pisses me off at times but come to think of it, these demanding people are the ones at the losing end. Why? They are empty inside and they need something to fill their void, but still they refuse those who are willing to fill that void, despite being imperfect. Want something perfect? You'll never have it.

And there are those who love being barnacles and leeches. This type of people are everywhere. There isn't really a need to describe these people in detail. Freeloaders on other people's fame, simple!

But of course, there are sincere ones too. Only a handful. Alas, these handful of nice people are the ones who'll be around you when you need them to. Hopefully.

Ngeh, this is getting whiny and pointless. :) Bid you guys farewell for now and have a great day!
To those who really follow my blog, you should realise that there was a sudden change in the name of the blog and also the description below it. No, this blog isn't hijacked/ hacked in any way.

It's just that I've decided that I've moved on from the phase of being a whiny teenager into a more matured teenager. Yes, I still consider myself a teenager.

So yes, the change of name does reflect a little change in me. This will be my hideaway, my secret treehouse when the world does not agree to what I say. A place where I can have my voices heard (or written) and people can come and share their thoughts with me, away from prying ears (eyes).

Hopefully, with this change, there will be less whiny posts (I'll still be whiny, I'm a teenager) but it'll be for the fun, I guess. Thanks for those still in touch with this blog. Love you guys lots.