Monday 12 October 2009

EMO POST [again]

October 10th. 2009. =.=

Have been feeling pretty run-down lately. I'm not really sure why I have bben feeling this way. Most very likely because I have nobody to relate my problems to. I do have friends which I can tell my problems to, but somehow obstacles will obstruct whenever I want to release the pent-up emotions of mine. In school, teachers will walk around bugging us to do homework like a typical bugger. At home, the dog which my sister rears is a bloody pain. In church, I have only a few people which I can trust. It's kind of tough and tiring when you always have to learn to hold on to your tough and patient side. It's pretty much easier to break down and just cry. Even a little hug from someone can break your frail heart. Unfortunately, people don't know how you feel. Some DON'T CARE how you feel.

It's my turn for LCD duty this week. LCD practice was OK this week. Just plain OK. Thank God. And then I had to wait for Youth Service to start. Practice session ended around 4.20 post meridiem. Went to wait at the upper floor where there reest of Youths are waiting. Sat on the bench. I thought it would be nice to have someone to chat to, tought I'm such a bore I can practically kill you by boredom alone. Sadly, everyone was in the worldof their own, and I thought that it wouldn't be nie to shove your way into somebody else's conversation. That'll be rude. I sat on the bench, reading Sweeney Todd: Demon Barber of Fleet Street. Pretty EMO then. Joash spoke a while to me. Service started after I read a page of the novel. Right on time. =.=

As Joash was sharing the message, he made a statement: Everybody has a/ sacrifice(s) to make in their service to God. I pondered upon that statement, a while. Does sacrifice even mean happiness? Serving God should be done with a joyful heart. But somehow, while serving, sometimes it's hard to enjoy it because some other people will make you feel unhappy while serving God. It's not nice. Really. Sometimes, the feeling of upset makes me want to stop serving. The zeal and passion to go to church to enjoy God's presence it's just not there for me to feel anymore. I'm drifting away from God in some part of my life. He still loves me, He still calls me back to be with Him. There are so many problems with myself. My personality. I feel as if I am shameful of myself and as if I don't deserve His love and mercy. This is such a wrong emotion to feel. Wrong. He is my Daddy, why is there the feeling like this? It shouldn't be. Why distant myself from Him? Why? So many bloody questions that need answering is still nestled in the heart of my mind.

McDonalds was for dinner. With the Youth. Had a meal of Spicy Chicken McDeluxe. Was great, was pretty bored staying all cooped up at home for almost the whole week. Not to mention having stupid study workshops in school. Damn bored. Had funny conversations with Anna, Brian, Anndrea, Joanna, Shekinah and David. I never realised that David was such a cheeky person. Really. Cool! They cheered me up a little. They made jokes of people shown on the cups of McDonalds. What? Check your McDonalds cups. Played at the fountain facing the Sunrise building. EL OH EL!

Headed back into McD's after that. Sabrina Ajak-ed me to sit at her table along with ***. Sabrina and *** were talking about friends and all, in the church. *** mentioned to me that some misunderstanding among our members with *** occured. It's hard to avoid these situations, even in the church. Gradually, in the conversation, *** told me that coming to church and Youth Service is just to fulfil her religious obligations. *** doesn't have the sense of belonging in church nor in the Youth service. *** also mentioned that sometimes alienation and loneliness is what accompanies *** church. I could empathise with her as I have felt that before. Sometimes, I still feel this way. I felt this way when my life in church has taken a rough ride in the past year of 2008. The band had a "rearrangement". People doing LCD were somehow affected. Most of them quitted, or somehow left church to go somewhere. That time [last year], Ben and I were the only ones left. Ben quitted not long after that. I was left alone to man the LCD and lyrics. Slowly, I took over the LCD. Every week for around two months, I was doing LCD. I came to church not being able to feel God's presence because I am tied to the computer. Lately, I am slowly gaining confidence in God again. I am still spiritually dry, but God's mercies never fail. Uncle Mike found another person to help me out, too. Jerald, thanks! *** mentioned about another person among the youths also... err... I don't know hos to describe. It's weird to mention here. Guidance and love for that brother, too. It's a lot of burden of myself after relating my feelings to them.

Officially, I'm still down in the dumps. Not quite bad, but still EMO. Again, His mercies will NEVER end. He's still here for me. I'm thankful. Brothers and sisters, pray for me. Thanks~

Till here for this post.

=CHIcken WINGs=



Do you know that I miss you a lot?
Why is this feeling so weird?
............... Would you just say something?

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