Some crumbs from my large cookie.

The title above is just a mere symbolic representation of the sentence "a little update from my life for the past few weeks". It gets a little oh-so-cliche if I use the same title for every blog post, again-and-again-and-again, ain't it?

I have pretty bad long-term memory, in terms of recalling exact and specific events. My brain is purely made for study, therefore it does not really serve any other purpose. That's the way I view my brain of course. Let's not veer of course, shall we?

Things hasn't really been over-the-top for the past fortnight or so. Thank goodness I did not hit rock-bottom, too. Exam was on two weeks ago, so there wasn't really much going-ons happening in school. Except, well, at tuition or during recess when I have time to become a chatterbox, that's when I'd realise the things going on around me. Frankly speaking, I'm still upset over a few things today. I mean like, NOW.

Firstly, I'm upset about a few friends being so on-the-fence towards me. One moment they can be really close to you, trying everything to be a nice person. The next picosecond, they seem to have thrown the thought of you into oblivion, never to think nor care for you anymore. I'm a really oh-so-what-I-don't-care-much person, but I do care for these bunch of friends. Maybe it's time for me to really cut ties (Sad people say and do anything, oh well... :( ) or just really forget about them. Why keep a relationship if you struggle too hard and it's bringing the relationship to nowhere? It really applies to any relationship, not merely to courtship alone.

The next reason is I'm not really sure whether if some of my friends are really my friends. As the "catchphrase" of the movie "The Social Network" goes, you can't make many friends without making enemies at all. I guess making new friends can be really fun, but what if your current "close" friends gets jealous and starts to ruin your reputation in front of your "new" friends? I'm just assuming this IS really happening at the moment. I dare not ask whether if it's true, I don't want to cause any dent in my current relationship with any of my friends. Again, I should just keep this matter in my heart and hope that it subsides one day. Or hopefully the answers come rolling by without me pursuing the answer in vain...

Thirdly, study stress is catching up on me. I feel like I'm ready for STPM, at the same time I feel like I'm not. I just feel like I'm in a mess. A foreigner in a sea of people. A note in a cacophony of noises. I feel a little lost. God has given me a compass, and clearly I'm not really good in using it, yet.

Thankfully, my cousin, *ahem*, Maryann has some good advice and she's given me bits and pieces of them (unless she comes screaming at this blog post saying "WHAT BITS AND PIECES?!"). Advice does not work wonders, but at least they calm a man's heart. Come on, every human loves a little encouragement. And there's YAP SHUANG YI that's patient enough to listen to my rants and complaints every single day during Biology period. I feel a little guilty being a spotlight, though. SORRY, KAH WAI! :) Kah Wai is an awesome person too. Jasmine Yeo is also a really great listener too.~ And best of all, she's also another patient non-human. No normal human can tolerate my noise, so she can be considered an organism that is in no way related to humans.

Sighs. Thankfully these bunch of people are here to cheer me up even when I'm down. :) But still, a lil' wee bit sad at the moment. Oh well. *shrugs* I kinda' realised that there is this one boy in Lower Form 6 that has been pretty lonely the moment he entered Form 6. Wish he could at least pull off a smile. I don't see no anybody as lonely as him in the whole of Lower 6.

Spell-check not done. Forgive any typos. To the people I've mentioned, thanks. :) Don't stop whatever you're doing pull a grin off my face.~ God bless you. To my buddies that I've not mentioned. Well, you guys are still awesome.

Gonna' go off to my real lonely little corner to pray and to hope that the friends that have been so cold to me will be my close buddies once again.

P.S: The world is full of bullshit. Nothing is really fair.

=CHIcken WINGs=

Question: Why is everybody so "SAMTAM" towards me?

I don't really know what is going on lately. One thing is for sure, I've not been really close to many of my buddies. Is it me, or is it they who've totally changed? I do try to fit in, but why do I struggle to fit in? I should feel comfortable, right? Why do I struggle anyway? :/

Funnily, there's a bunch of people who treats me real nice at one moment. The next moment, it's like they do not want to have so much to do with me. What do you want from me anyway? :( I just started to feel comfortable and happy being with you guys, but what happens next? You give me the cold shoulder. It's not even a wee bit ticklish to my funny bone, not at all.

I guess it's not me alone having emotional issues. Been browsing through a few friends' blogs and HEY, most of them are just like me. I think. :( Cheer up buddies.

XOXO

=CHIcken WINGs=

NO, not you too!

I seriously have no inkling of an idea when my last post was posted. But certainly, quite a number of things happened between the time period. Those events that happened during my hiatus did change me, mostly by the way I think.

The past few months (well, since last year, actually) made me lose faith in myself, lost myself. I felt that God was spending too much time on everybody else in the world, He did not have enough to spend on me. I felt that way. Yes. Not denying the fact at all. But lately, I have rediscovered His love for me. Yes, I do feel lonely sometimes, but I know He's watching and He cares. Humans are pathetic creatures that can't be trusted. You can only trust in God. I do trust my friends, but most of them let me down. I've had a few persons that I can name that have made me upset lately. Better not mention names. Or is it I, being too serious? I don't know.

And please... Don't you treat me the same way as he did to me. It sucks. A lot. Sighs.

=CHIcken WINGs=

Outcast? True.

Well, I thought I was thinking too much a few days back. I thought I was just having a little depression. With my mid-term exam results, friends and a little misunderstanding with my family member, I really thought it will go away soon.

I'm feeling not any better right now. I know there are friends that are all around me. But at times when I am with them, I feel like I'm just another replacement. Replacing somebody or something, or just filling up space to keep the atmosphere in a "just nice" condition. I don't hunger for attention. I just need friends who will listen to my rants and "heart problems", not just enjoy and have fun together.

Everybody doesn't want someone who keeps complaining or is sad all the time. I'm quite annoyed with myself at times. :( If being happy is as easy as blinking an eye, then why are there so many broken souls in the world? Don't tell me to be happy. There's no logic in being happy if the problem is not solved yet.

This is what I'm thinking at the moment. God made everything perfect, flawless. He only made one mistake. He forgot to ask me whether I'd be happy living as a human. I know He hasn't forgotten me, but right now I think He's just too busy blessing other people. I guess I'll just wait for my turn.

=CHIcken WINGs=

Outcast?

Well, lately, I feel like an outcast. I feel like I'm with my bunch of my friends but at the same time I don't feel like I'm with them. Odd. Sighs.

=CHIcken WINGs=

Serenity and a sound mind.

Stuck in between. I don't really know how to put this down in words. It's just that I'm held tight in my current position. Not belonging anywhere but belonging to somewhere at the same time. It's like I'm being cared for, but being hated and despised at the same time. This situation is slowly making me mad...

Sometimes, I just so want someone to be really, very close to me. But I think some things cannot come true all the time. What is life then, when you can get anything your heart desires. Certainly, everybody loves to be pampered, to get anything and everything that they really want. But truthfully, how many of us can enjoy such luxuries? I do want to enjoy such treatment. Having someone to, well, you know. :(

Just my thoughts to revive my currently dormant blog. :(

=CHIcken WINGs=

Can?

Can you say you love me?